Ten months home

It's official. Anjali is now Anjali Sadhana Janardhan and we have a court order to prove it. Yippee! Our readoption is complete and Anju will soon have a birth certificate issued in the U.S. Adoption has so many milestones paperwork-wise. You make note of first cuddles and special moments and also of the next document or social worker visit that is due. We have crossed the ten-month mark. I cannot believe that Anju has been with us close to a year. 

We celebrated Dhruv's fifth birthday earlier this month and Anjali sang the cutest version of 'Happy birthday' to her anna. What an achievement for an almost non-verbal child in such a short amount of time. She thoroughly enjoyed her brother's birthday party and has now made the all important connection between birthdays, cakes and presents. 

Anju celebrated Navaratri and Diwali in the past month. During Navaratri celebrations, we completed Anjali's 'vidyarambham' which is her introduction to the world of knowledge. Anju baby wrote down a Sanskrit chant and her name in rice. For Hindu children this is one of the milestones for babies (couple of others being their naming ceremony after birth and their introduction to solid foods at six months of age). Anjali really enjoyed the fireworks that were lit at a friend's place to celebrate Diwali. On both occassions, Anju rocked her favorite dress-up outfit, pattu pavadai. She immediately asks for bangles and a 'pottu' to go with it. I am thrilled at how much she loves to dress up and pose for photos. I am thankful to have at least one kid who smiles for pictures. 

Anjulily is also a chatty-lily. She talks a lot these days and we continue to be surprised by how well she is picking up new words. She calls me by three names depending on her mood, 'mama' for normal times, 'amma' when she wants my attention and 'mimi' when she wants to be babied. She is learning names (like 'Dhoo' for Dhruv) and she calls herself 'papa.' She has a lot of verbal wars with her brother which are both annoying and funny at the same time. Annoying because they seem to go in an infinite loop and are always spoken at the loudest pitch possible. Funny because, they are actually not talking about the same thing at all and are both mad that the other is not agreeing with them. Speech therapy is still going strong and Anju now doesn't need me to be in the same room as her and the therapist. I watch her through a one-way mirror from the adjoining room and it is really cute as she gets lost in admiring her reflection in the mirror and making faces at herself without realizing that I am actually laughing at her antics. 

My in-laws visited for a little over two weeks to celebrate Dhruv's birthday with him. The kids had a lot of fun and a lot of fights while they were here. It was stressful as their sibling rivalry was pretty bad until suddenly one day they went back to being normal. They still do fight but also have fun together. Sometimes, Anju doesn't get that Dhruv is just trying to help her or that he is initiating a game with her. Dhruv doesn't seem to get when to back off when Anju is mad or how to give her space as she explores her world. This is one aspect of our family life that still needs work from all of us. Hopefully as Anjali's speech improves and as Dhruv is able to read her cues better, they will be able to play together for longer periods of time. 

This Thanksgiving, we have a lot to be thankful for. I remember this time last year, we were so down and at the same time so hopeful. We had not heard a word since our court approvals in mid-October and were so anxious to see our sweet Anjali. Yet, I remember feeling an immense sense of gratitude that things had moved forward in the adoption and that we were so close. Fast forward to the present and we've had the luxury of taking time together for granted. So, I am thankful. Thankful that Anju has a family that she knows adores and loves her. Thankful that our hugs give her happiness. Thankful that she is growing and thriving. Thankful that I have the sweetest, bounciest (Anju still prefers bouncing to walking), happiest and most loving angel for a daughter. I am thankful for our family that is cemented together with love. :) Happy Thanksgiving! 

Lazy days with sweet lily

A flower is so beautiful when it blooms. As a bud, it glows full of promise and pushes you to wait another day to see the beauty within. When the petals are in full display, you cannot help but know that everything in the world is good even if you take that second for granted. Anjali was a bud when we brought her home. Beautiful, sweet, innocent and she is still is all of that and so much more. So pure in her laughter and mischief that I cannot help but realize that this world is full of good. She's changed but in essence is still herself.

Anju's world is one that I am lucky to be part of. Her address has now officially changed to 'in mama's arms till 5 p.m. on week days.' After 5 p.m. on week days and on weekends, I consider myself to be off-duty. Janardhan has to do the heavy lifting with Anjali after that. I tell him, it's part of the package that comes with being the favorite! It is funny as during the first few months home, I was filled with agony when Anju ran away from me to her dad and now, I jump with glee at the same thing. :) Life is a lot funnier when you look back. 

Life seems to have settled down into a good rhythm (touch wood). Sometimes having no real exciting events apart from the usual routine feels like a welcome change. Adoption changes so many aspects of your life. The long wait, the first few months of being a family, establishing a routine and peeling the layers off each other leaves you in a very different place from where you started. Of course, I am only talking about my experience and don't mean to be preaching. I am so much more humble and grateful for everything. I feel guilty when I grumble these days. 

Now, back to Anjali. A few things that had me worried have now kind of been smoothed out. A big one was Anju's eating. She is so active that she cannot sit through a meal. Despite entertaining her, getting to sit through a meal was impossible. She would literally jump out of her high chair and there were a few days where she would just hoard food in her mouth and take hours to chew. The main reason we even pushed so hard was so that she would gain weight. She was absolutely tiny when she came home. I finally decided that we had would get rid of the high chair and Anjali would eat lunch and her snacks by herself (with a little help of course). She tends to start playing with her food if not observed and will make a mess which she will eventually lose interest in tasting. I am glad to say that I think eating by herself and being allowed to run around and come back between bites have really helped her. There is no more stress as mealtimes. She has steadily gained weight and height since she came home so that is a big relief. Her speech also is improving rapidly and she has become quite the chatter-box. Her cute baby voice can be heard all day long. Our pediatrician seemed really happy during our 6 months health check and said Anjali appears to be thriving. A lot of her behavior seems to be pretty typical for a two year old. Music to my ears. 

Going back to talking about food, Anjulily has also become a chef-in-training over the last couple of weeks. Ever since Dhruv started cooking with me, she brings her little stool to the kitchen and observes me cooking. Then, heads over to her play kitchen and give me lot of pretend food to eat. It is adorable!!!! Dhruv is getting more interested in food which is great as he is a very picky eater. Anjali is definitely opening doors for him. There is no cuisine that Anjali doesn't like. She is happiest eating Indian food. Make her idlis or dosas and she has the biggest smile on her face. Her spice tolerance has improved. I've made chicken curry for the kids a few times and Anju has gobbled it down every single time. I think my fantasy of being a vegetarian home is going to be just that (a fantasy)! Both the kids seem to love their meat. 

We had a couple of amazing experiences with Anjali this summer that we did not capture in pictures. The first one was our trip to the beach. The Pacific NW coast is breathtakingly beautiful and Anju agrees. I've never seen her so quiet and peaceful before. She loved playing in the sand and jumping around in the freezing cold water. Nothing seemed to matter. It was her first time at the beach and to see her react to the soft sand was too cute. She was so scared of it at first and then when she saw Dhruv and his friends playing with it, she decided to join in. I thought she was almost in a meditative state that day. So calm and happy. The second first for Anju this summer was camping. We went to Champoeg State Park with friends and stayed the night. I was honestly really nervous since Anju is hard to keep in one spot. What if she touches the fire or what if we lose track of her? Also, she only sleeps in her bed and usually cannot even go down for a nap outside. I had all these horrid scenarios playing out in my head. Thankfully, things went smoothly and Anjali ate the whole time that we were there!!! We were gone for lesser than a day but I was not ready for our first time to be any longer. Janardhan came back super exhausted because he had to take Anjali to the bathroom about a 50 times while we were there. She is potty trained (another milestone achieved this summer) but sometimes likes to go to the potty just for a change of scenery. I have to admit that it was a lot more fun for me as I only took her to the bathroom once during our camping trip. Poor Janardhan! But, hey what can I say? It's part of the package that comes with being the favorite!!!! 

Summer fun!

I love summer! The warm sunshine touching my skin and the general activity that it generates. Rain-free days and shorts-and-tees..hmmm..my favorite time of the year.

Anjali is growing up. Our pint sized tot will be two-and-a-half in a few days. She's grown physically and also in confidence. Lily-pot's speech has really picked up in the last couple of months. She has gone from saying a few words to really talking! She talks a lot and now asks for more attention from each one of us. :) Who can resist a little doll saying "Mama wook" (for Mama look) or "Mama eat oot" (for mama eat food). She even says "I ove nana," and " I ove mama" and "I ove anna." We (l)ove you too Anju!!!! I have to say that Anjali's cuteness has me spellbound. I feel a bond so strong with my daughter. I want to protect her, cuddle her, love her and have all of her (memories; both the happy and the sad). More than anything, I want it all for her!!

My parents visited us till mid-August and both the kids had it rough when they left. They stayed with us for two months. Dhruv has been through this many times with grandparents visiting and leaving but Anjali found it very hard to understand where they had gone. After a week of regressing to being aggressive, Anju finally understood that they had gone to the airport and had gotten on a plane. Two weeks later she understood that they went back their own home. She still says "Thatha, thathi, aiport, airplane" whenever she thinks of them or hears them being mentioned. She has said goodbye to so many people in her life, it must be hard to see familiar loving faces disappear all of a sudden. Anjali has gone back to being her usual self and hopefully Skyping with my parents helps her understand that they are still there for her.

Anjulily continues to be nominated for the 'Most mischievous person on the planet award.' She is obsessed with getting to things she cannot access or reach. Whether it is dragging a stool to get to the kitchen counter or standing on her tiny tippy toes to get the Lego, Anju has done it all and she is relentless. Let's just say my days are busy!! During the hardest of times, I catch myself thinking of heading back to work (I quit last May) if only so that I can at least get some rest from running behind two active, naughty kids. Overall, Anjali's patience has improved especially with Dhruv. She is able to ask him to 'move' and is modulating her emotions well. I feel like we are at a point where we can do something she doesn't like (e.g. asking her to go down for a nap when she would rather be up or head back home from the park when she doesn't want to) and still stay connected with her. The time-ins with us showing her love and compassion instead of discipline have also helped.

I want to share a pic of Anju this month. She is wearing a traditional pattu pavadai and she looks so cute. She loves to dress up and wear a 'pottu.' Anjali truly is our south-Indian bommai (doll).

Six months home!!

Anjali has been home for six months now! Things have changed so much since that first day at the orphanage. I'll never forget the sadness in Anjali's face. She didn't smile for the first two or three days. What a jolt the transition into 'us' gave her. Now, she is a bouncy, mischievous baby girl who just can't stop smiling and being on the go. We are her family and we love her the most-y.

As I look back at this year, here are the many firsts we have celebrated with Anjulily.

First day together! I took the picture just after we got to the hotel from the orphanage. We had changed Anjali out of her pretty blue dress into more comfy gear. She kept her necklace and bangles on and would not take them off for a few more days. You can see the joy and emotion in Janardhan's face. Dhruv had sprung into his big brother role and was trying to get Anjali interested in a musical book. Our sweet little baby was so overwhelmed and quiet. She cried a lot on that first day.

Anjali's first meal at home. We arrived in PDX late in the night after a killer over-32 hour journey with flight delays. Despite all the travel and changes, Anju seemed at ease. She really enjoyed her aloo parantha! We of course were super excited to be home at last!

First mommy-daddy-Anju sandwich.

Caught in the act for the first time. Playing with her brother's cars and charming mama at the same time. 

First high-chair nap! Our baby was so jet lagged for a couple of weeks. This picture shows how tiny she was (and still is).

First snuggle with anna (aka big brother). Dhruv was sooo happy he did not want to let go of Anjali.

First car seat nap. Car journeys are fun when kids nap. :) Anjali doesn't mind car journeys though occasionally she spends her time trying to get out of her straps.

First Oreo. Anjali ate it the right way! A natural Oreo-eating machine. Dhruv and I have a song for her "Oreo Anjali" sung to the tune of Tamil song from Ghajini. 

First cupcake. 

First mommy-Anju-anna selfie.

 First nap in mama's arms. I waited three months for this moment! They are still scarce as Anjali prefers to sleep by herself in her crib (unless dad is around).

First bike ride! 

First spying-on-the-neighbors moment. Anju loves checking out what our neighbors are up to. 

And of course for the latest on the photo/selfie-queen Anjali. She is having a fun summer with her thatha (grandpa), thathi (grandma) and Priya periamma (my older sister) visiting. She is loving all the good food and attention. Her naughtiness is keeping everyone on their toes. Having my parents around has been helping me get some rest and actually take naps in the afternoon. I have gotten some alone time and it feels so nice. J and I managed to sneak in an afternoon date too. Thank God for grandparents and sisters!!!! :) This two month break from household chores is really helping me spend quality time with kids and recharge my batteries. I always feel bad that Dhruv doesn't get as much attention as he used to though he never complains about it. My dad has been hunting for spiders and snails with him and my mom has been teaching him card games. We are having a laid-back lazy summer and it feels great!!

More recent pics of the kiddos.

Posing with anna. Getting these two busy bees together in a picture is incredibly challenging.

Fourth of July fireworks. Anju liked the fireworks.

Posing for her favorite Priya periamma (a.k.a papi).

Putting in the miles

In May, we took Anjali out to a huge gathering (I mentioned it in the previous post minus the details). Needless to say it did not go well at all. Anju ran into the arms of strangers and pushed us away. She let a friend, whom she had never met before, hold her and turned away from me when I tried to get her back. Anjali completely disconnected from us and could not be controlled or calmed down. On the way home, I cried a LOT. I told Janardhan that I felt like someone had yanked my heart out of my chest (Vampire Diaries style). J lovingly told me, "Sweetheart, we just don't have enough miles with Anju. We don't know what her life experiences have been, so we might not understand what goes through her mind in such situations." All I can say is that unlike me, who had become horribly emotional about the happenings that evening, J had looked at his daughter with love and compassion. That's who he is, a loving, compassionate and generous husband and father and I totally get why Anju adores him. We have walked some steps since that night, but I know that our journey with Anju has many,many, many more miles ahead (probably for the rest of our lives).

While we waited for Anju to come home, we spent a lot of our time reading the adoption books on attachment and I am so glad that we were prepared (at least theoretically) for our experiences with her. Our journey as a family is going to take time, love and patience and there is no easy way around it.  I think all of us are at different stages of bonding with Anju. Anjali's attachment to Janardhan is the strongest. She loves him to death and just wants to be with him all the time. I can see her feeling the separation when he is not around. Anjali will cry if I try to put her down for a nap when he is around, she wants to snuggle only with him and sleep. We have to convince her that Janardhan has left the house for her to allow me to put her to sleep. She still prefers him  feeding her. If he walks in while I am feeding her, she will grab the plate and move it to him and say 'nana' to indicate that I am dismissed. I am glad that she gets a lot of comfort from J and feels safe and happy with him. He definitely is a very nurturing parent to both Anju and Dhruv. His love and even temperament are our family's strengths.

Next in order of bonding is me. I have had to put in the hours..a lot of them. In my fantasies prior to Anju coming home, I always imagined just connecting with her instantly. Anju wanted nothing to do with me while we were in India. It was hard to not have my feelings reciprocated by her in the beginning. A few miles down the road, we are in a better place now, a much better place! It is not that Anju does not have her moments with me. Actually, our tripmeter might have just hit it's first oil change. We needed months to get to this point. Anjali loves it when I sing to her and when she is upset, it calms her down. When Anju kisses me, I know it is out of genuine affection and she often seeks out my attention to show me that she is delighted with something. It is comforting to know that I comfort her. One of the activities that I did with Anju to get her to come closer to me was to read to her and now she hops into my lap to enjoy a book. She used to allow me to pick her up to be taken for a diaper change or nap (purely for the purpose of getting somewhere). I started massaging her after her baths and talking to her during these times. She slowly allowed me to hold her longer (for a few extra seconds) and maintained eye contact. Around month two, she started coming to me for comfort when she cried (of course, only if Janardhan wasn't around) and  I took the opportunity to hug her tight, kiss her and coo to her. Nowadays, she practically lives on my lap before J comes home and sometimes even when he is around! I don't know about papa (baby in Tamil and Telugu) but my tank is full of love when my arms are filled with her cuteness. After her naps, I am always right beside her when she wakes up. In the first two or three months she would just wake up and come downstairs. Now, she calls out to me to come and pick her up. Anjali also calls my name ('mama') often to show me her accomplishments (which include things that she should not be doing) and sometimes just to smile. It feels great. She still does push me away at times and pulls me closer at others, so my days are filled with moments of yo-yoing emotions and several ones where dreams and reality collide.

Anjali and Dhruv. I am so proud of them. The lovable fearless survivor and the adoring soft-natured brother. Anjali is attached to Dhruv the least among the three of us. I am not sure she understands how special their relationship is. Dhruv, on the other hand loves Anju the most. He cannot stop kissing her, sharing his toys and food with her and telling her how much he loves her. In his eyes, she is his beautiful adorable baby sister who he needs to protect at all times. He evens plays the harmonica or sings and dances for her if she is upset. It is as though Dhruv really understood every word I uttered to him while we waited for Anju. When we met her he even called her 'Anjulily' which is the name I chose as her nickname and just mentioned in passing to him months earlier. He is so excited to be of service to Anjali and she asks him for many favors (like fetching her water or toys beyond her reach, sharing all his snacks and singing songs on repeat for her). They have a cute, funny relationship. They chase each other and fight like siblings usually do. Anjali does consider him competition and doesn't always get that he is trying to help her. I pray that their relationship grows as they do. They seem to be the perfect foil for each other.

As a family unit, we are getting closer, forming memories and generating a lot of laughter. Anjali is our most precious gem and our life does revolve around her. Each of us gets our minutes (in J's case, hours) of Anju just hanging out with us and forgetting about the world. Anju has our names right (nana - dad; mama or amma - mom; anna - big brother) which is huge!! This afternoon, I was talking to a friend who heard the kids being the loud-ie rowdies that they are. She said "Wow Sai! Anjali sounds so happy." I said, "I guess I did not realize how loud we all are. When Anju first came home you could hardly hear her cry or talk. Her voice was so soft." My friend said, " Well, she obviously feels safe and secure enough at home to be herself." It feels good. The neighbors can go ahead and call the cops. It cannot be a crime that our little lioness has learnt to roar!

Palak Paneer (Cottage cheese cubes in spinach sauce)

Palak paneer is my husband's favorite dish. It is definitely yummy especially when paired with either peas pulao or chapatis. It is one of those dishes that comforts the palate as it is simple and flavorful without much of a fuss. A great dish to take to a potluck or to cook for a special occasion. It takes about 30 minutes to prepare. The quantity mentioned below will feed a family of 4-5 people.

Ingredients:

• Spinach - 1 packet of frozen spinach or 10oz of fresh spinach
• Onions - 1 onion chopped finely
• Ginger - 1 inch piece of ginger finely chopped 
• Garlic - 2 pods of garlic chopped finely
• Tomatoes - 2 medium sized tomatoes cubed
• Paneer - Indian cottage cheese (14oz) - cut into cubes
• Cumin seeds - a pinch
• Cloves - 2
• Turmeric powder - 1 tsp
• Red chilli powder - 1/2 tsp
• Coriander (dhanya) powder - 1/2 tsp
• Salt - per your preference
• Ghee or butter - 1 tbsp
• Oil - 1-2 tbsp
• Optional: A dash of cream or milk to give an added richness
• Optional: If you are craving spice add in a green chilli when cooking the onions. 
• Food processor or mixie to grind the sauce. 

Steps:

1. Boil spinach separately in water. Drain the spinach leaves in a colander and set aside. 
2. Add oil to a cooking pan and put in the cumin seeds and cloves. 
3. When the oil get a little hot, add in the chopped onions (and optionally the green chilli).
4. Saute the onions till they become translucent. 
5. Add in the ginger and garlic and saute for a minute on lower flame.
6. Add in the spices (turmeric, chilli powder and coriander powder).
7. Add the tomatoes and salt. 
8. Cook the mixture on medium heat till the tomatoes become a paste. Turn off the flame. 
9. Cool the mixture before blending it along with the spinach in a food processor or mixie. Make sure to blend it into a smooth paste. 
10. Now, to the cooking pan, add in the butter or ghee. 
11. When the ghee/butter melts, add in the spinach-onion-tomato paste. 
12. Add a dash of cream and stir the sauce.
13. Add in the paneer.
14. Cover and simmer on low heat for 10 minutes. 

The dish is all set to serve. 

Anju update...

Before the month of May flies away I wanted to write a post on Anjali's progress and lessons we have learnt as she explores her new world. She has taken huge leaps forward in the last few weeks and a few steps back. We also got perspective on how she handles changes in her home with my in-laws visiting.

• Anju and her daddy are a team! Though Anju doesn't cry when he leaves for work in the morning, her sheer glee on seeing J during lunch and when he returns home in the evening shows how much she misses him. Anju adores her 'nana' (daddy in Telugu). Though she calls him 'mama' pretty often (which I find hilarious), J has cemented a permanent place in Anju's heart. She is a daddy's girl through and through.
• Anju has been seeing her 'anna' (big brother Dhruv) as competition since my in-laws arrived in town. Dhruv continues to adore Anju and when we are outside runs behind her with his arms open to protect her from other people or from getting hurt. Anju has been possessive of her daddy and grandparents and has been swatting Dhruv away a lot. I am hoping that this is just a phase as they used to play with each other quite a bit. Anju shows a lot of compassion though when Dhruv gets hurt and even gently rubs his wounds and wipes away his tears. 
• Health-wise Anju is thriving. She has gained close to 4 lbs and grown quite a bit (close to an inch or more). I am thrilled to announce that she has outgrown 12 month clothes and 18 month clothes fit her well now. The outfits I had bought were so loose when she first joined us. She actually has cute chunky arms now and even has some baby muscles!! Dhruv has coined the nickname 'chubby cheeks' for her. Her body strength is impressive and she is able to pull herself onto our couch now. Of course, this is a little scary for me as fewer things are becoming off limits to her. 
• Anjali has gone back to wanting to jump off her high chair during meals. She prefers eating food on the go to sitting at the table. I had worked pretty hard to get her to stay and eat a full meal but with so many distractions and changes at home, she has reverted to her old habits. I guess I have to start over on this front! I introduced one of my favorite snacks as a child - plain yoghurt and sugar to Anju's diet and she seems to love it as much as I did. 
• Anjulilypot is quite a talker now with more words joining her vocabulary. She tries so hard to communicate using words. Ever since she picked up the word 'ow' for 'owie' she has been using it a lot. It is really cute as a lot of owies are pure pretense but we know that this back and forth is going to bring us closer in the long run so she gets lots of rubs and kisses on them. She also says 'arm' when she wants to be carried (she is still trying to say 'carry') and I find this adorable as she comes to me at 6 p.m. sharp as I am cooking dinner and wants me to carry her while I cook. This is huge for me as she seeks my arms despite dad being at home. 
• A true social butterfly has emerged. Anjali is not afraid of new people and says hi to most folks she comes across. When my in-laws came home, she went to them without hesitation. I think at some level she understands their love and fondness for her as she doesn't usually allow other adults to carry her. She runs into their arms for affection and cuddles (especially if J or I discipline her). I am so happy that she is really enjoying her grandparents. As we have taken Anjali out into the real world, we have discovered that she does not do well in surroundings where there are a lot of people. At friend's homes where there are fewer people she does okay though she gets a little more mischievous. But, when we go to a crowded park or birthday party in an outside venue, she gets overstimulated. To an outsider, she appears to be having a crazy amount of fun but Janardhan and I both know she is actually overwhelmed. She just stops connecting with us and gets hyper. We will be curbing her outings to smaller gatherings and to public places with fewer people as we want her to enjoy the experience.
• Anju is the Queen of mischief. I have not seen a more curious and fearless child. Of course, I only have Dhruv to compare her to and he was a very reserved, cautious child. Anjali keeps us on our toes at home and outside. We joke that she has to enter 'electronics anonymous' as there is no cell phone, remote, computer, tablet or battery operated object that she can resist. She has gone from happily surfing our phones (at 3a.m. believe it or not)  to bringing them to us lest we lose sight of them. :) 
• Last of course is Anju and me. We are very similar: both are fiesty and independent yet easily pleased. I stick to our daily routine with Anju no matter what. We sing, read and play a lot. When Janardhan comes home she still only wants him and while I just want to snuggle up with her and kiss her soft chubby cheeks, I still work on letting go of her and focusing on Dhruv during those hours. After years of waiting for our baby, I can't seem to get enough of her.  

Mother's day...

Mother's day is this coming weekend and so far I have taken each mother's day for granted. In the sense that I don't think much about days in general that are dedicated to a special occasion. I have always felt that it is not the milestone marked by an anniversary but the daily celebration of our marriage itself that matters and so are birthdays, valentines day, etc to me. I definitely care about making J's or the kiddos birthdays special but have so far in life not valued the days dedicated to me much. I used to love my birthdays but even those have lost their significance in face of life. BUT, this mother's day is special. It is special because it is dedicated to Anju and Dhruv. I have reached a point in my life where I feel complete now (like all the parts of my self are fully formed). I am defined by my children. As much as I thought parents molded children, I think it is the other way around. My kids make me who I am. It is very subtle but in teaching them values, I am forced to live by them myself. In chiding them, I are scolding myself for being less patient. In playing with them, I am allowing myself to be a child again and in loving them, I have learnt to love myself. We have been blessed with an adorable daughter born far far away from us. Were we born for her or she for us, I don't know. One thing I do know is that we love her very very much. It has only been over three months since she has been home but Anjali has had such a profound impact on us. I want to thank Anjali for allowing me to be her mother, for accepting me and my love with all it's flaws.

Most importantly this mother's day, I want to thank her birth mother. I hope that wherever she is, the universe let's her know that Anjali is safe, happy and mischievous as hell!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there! 

Three months home!

Three months home! What a change we have seen in Anjali. Anju has developed a sense of belonging with us. She seems to have accepted us as people who are always there for her and she even looks for us for comfort and love. It is adorable to see her take on responsibilities of her own and start pitching in. Be it unloading the dishwasher or putting away groceries, Anjulilypot means business!!! 'No goofing around mama, let's focus and get the job done,' she seems to say as she hands me one thing after the other expecting me to keep up.

Anju looked at us the other day and said "Mama, up." Wow! Her first sentence!! After three months of Anju preferring gestures to words hearing her speak was amazing! She has picked up a few words since like 'cat,' 'out' and 'owie.' J and I are thrilled that Anju is making attempts to speak even though she doesn't always say the words correctly. We decided to give speech therapy a shot to see if it helps Anju. Either way, she seemed to love the attention she got from the speech therapist we went to.

With each passing day, Anju is revealing more of herself and it is such a joy to see her blossom. She is gaining so much strength and is incredibly well balanced. The cutest thing she does is her jump-skip walk that is a bounce! She bounces around the home like Tigger and is up to some mischief or the other. A true busy-body has emerged. :) Anjali loves to dress up and with the warmer weather, she has been loving wearing her dresses.  She comes to each of us and points to her dress to get admiration and praise.

Anjali met her paternal grandparents last week for the first time and she adores them. My in-laws (visiting from Florida) are absolutely besotted with their granddaughter and Anjali has them wrapped around her little finger in a few short days. If we are a little strict with her she runs to them for babying time.

I have to end the post on sibling love. Anju asks Dhruv for things these days and more significantly they wipe and kiss away each other's tears.
Here are some pics from April.

Letting go to let her in..

I made progress in March. Lots of it actually. To let Anju in, I had to let go of me. I wrote down how I felt in a poem.

We came from afar,

As my womb did not bear you.

I met you with a mother’s eye

but you saw me a stranger.

My open arms ached to cradle your sweetness,

My closed mind pined for your love

Listening not to the words of wisdom

That said the promise was just mine.

Passing days have molded our family,

Wounds are healing as we let go;

You of your hurt

And me of my self. 

We now exist as ‘we’ and

Not just as me and you.

One heart, in two bodies

As I have given mine to you.

Loves sweetest lullaby

Is not sung in any song,

As it is only felt by a mother.

It’s divine and perfect like you. 


I have started meditating every morning now when Anju naps to stay centered. Anjali is an energetic child and incredibly precocious. I have to be in a good space to keep up with her. My biggest challenge is to let go of her when Janardhan comes home. I know this sounds incredibly silly but after spending the whole day taking care of Anju's every need and whim, to see her ignore me and only want her dad in the evenings has been tough for me to take. She will still come to me to get food or milk or to get her diaper changed but not for love. For the first time in my life, I feel jealous. Sure, it is out of love but still, it has been skewing my vision. I have spent so much time this month praying to turn this emotion into something positive and I can happily say that it did. I finally had a revelation that relationships take time. With Dhruv, him and I both had nine months to prepare and get to know each other before we met. Anju needs time to get to know me and her new world as well.

Now, onto the little ball of love. Anju has been getting louder and she lets us know when she wants attention by making some super loud sounds. She spends a lot of time playing with Dhruv and it is great that they actually play pretend now. Lots of food seems to be cooking in their kitchen and I have drunk a lot of tea over the last week. Anjali can't get enough of books these days and spends all her time getting books read to her or reading by herself. She is improving with her toys too and is interested in playing with them in a constructive way. She still tends to throw toys that she has not figured out yet. Anju continues to be unafraid and if you are not watching her, will either get into trouble (like putting Legos in her mouth) or make a 'messy' mess. She still does not have a sense of boundaries or that certain things are off limits. The last month confirmed that she is not ready for potty training as we spent hours on the potty only to get her and myself frustrated and exhausted. The pediatrician also recommended waiting for a few more months. I guess we will have to wait till Anju gets the idea of calling out to us when she needs or wants to say something. It is strange but Anjali still does not have the concept of calling us by a name to get our attention. She is making progress by either calling us 'mama' or 'nana' (interchangeably as we tend to have either name for the day) but not in a way to ask us for things. She still prefers gestures to making sounds.

Finally, I had a first with Anju  this morning - our first snuggle in bed. Anjali likes my singing her to sleep for her nap but prefers laying in her crib while I do that. This morning, I was also attempting to nap while she did and she suddenly woke up and climbed onto our bed from her crib. She knew I was there so she crawled up to me and sneaked into my arms and fell back asleep. I of course could not sleep as I was celebrating the feeling of pure joy. My baby girl in my arms sleeping safe and sound..hmm...I feel so blessed that for a few minutes, my life and dreams merged into one.

Happy 2nd birthday Anjali!!

Anju turned two on March 6th. We had decided to spend a quiet day at home. I had not even planned on ordering her a princess cake or figuring out what she would wear. I happened to be at the store when I saw the cutest dress ever and Anju's eyes just lit up when she saw it. So, we bought her a spring-y, girly dress and I happened to find a cake to match!! Anju looked radiant on her birthday. Even the usual gloomy Oregon skies parted to let the sun shine brightly. Anju got quite a few presents for her birthday including a kitchen from us!

That birthday weekend was sunny and we took Anju to the park where we met up with some friends. She watched us play cricket and enjoyed the food. Nothing like picnicking Indian style with your close friends. It was lovely to meet our friends and their kids. I really appreciate how much they supported us during our adoption journey and what amazing people they are. After cocooning Anju for close to two months, I think she is slowly grasping her new world without getting overwhelmed. Anjali has shown great body language when we have been out at social events with her. On our side too, it is nice to break out of the routine and talk to humans who are around the same age as us!! :)

Anjali has had a busy but good March so far. Anjulily's medical tests have all come back normal which is great. She seems to be gaining weight and growing well despite the fact that she does not figure in the growth percentile charts yet. She is a tiny dynamite. We had our three month social worker visit and I realized when comparing notes with the first visit in early February, that Anjali has come so far. She is so much more relaxed these days and less anxious. I think Anju gets Dhruv's affection for her and she allows him to kiss her a lot. It is funny since Dhruv claims he only loves his baby sister and can't seem to resist her. If you meet Dhruv you will know that he loves his space and is not the hugging and kissing kind. But looks like with his baby sister (or 'papa' as he calls her), there are no such rules. Dhruv seems to have matured so much as well in the last month. He is taking on more responsibility for his eating and entertainment. Anju and Dhruv seem to fighting less over toys too. I think our poor baby was getting too overstimulated with the abundance of (noisy) toys and kept toppling bins and throwing toys. I finally (with Dhruv's input) put away most of the non-baby toys in bins in the kids closet and now our living space mostly has Anju-friendly stuff. She has totally bought into the idea that certain toys go in certain bins so that you can find them easily. We are starting to meet halfway on so many more things now. It feels comforting to walk towards each other as a family; like pieces falling into place in a puzzle.

Dhruv did the cutest thing yesterday when he drew Anjali's orphanage and said that he did not want her to cry anymore. He also said that he wanted to draw one for each child in the orphanage so that they won't cry as well. I think my heart almost burst with pride and love for sweet Dhruv and Anjali. It is easy to forget where she came from and though she doesn't show us her sadness, we know there is loss from her past. My heart goes out to the many Anjalis out there who still need a family and a home. My biggest wish is that every orphan finds love and joy that they deserve.

To end my post on a happier note, here are some pictures from Anjali's birthday weekend.

Progress and some more...

I took Anju for a speech therapy evaluation this morning. The therapists did not think there was any cause for concern at this time as she was pretty on par in other areas of development. They thought that her speech was behind due to the changes in her environment and also possibly due to the lack of stimulation in the past. One of the big challenges in adoption is that we really don't have information about our child's past. It makes it more complicated to figure out if an issue is due to adoption or because of other health problems. I have to say, I was really relieved to hear that Anjali might not need speech therapy after all. She just said 'eye' this morning and pointed to her eyes so she is making progress.

Progress is what we have seen so much of in the last few weeks.  Anjali has really blossomed in the six weeks that she has been with us. During the first few days, Anju would not let us take her shoes or clothes off. As unusual as this sounds, she could not handle it at all. She used to cry so hard if we took them off even for a diaper change. Now, she can hardly wait to get her clothes off and run for a bath. She did not want me to pick her up and would only be happy interacting with me from a distance. This morning, at the therapist's office, she cried for me when the therapist picked her up and also looked me for approval before doing anything. For the first time, she showed me how much she trusted me. It felt so good!! Anjali used to scratch me if she ever saw my bare skin. Now, instead she looks at my skin and thinks for a second before stroking it gently. I think her wounds are healing. Somewhere, the anger or trauma is slowly being replaced with love. I didn't think she could be any happier but she is!

One big change I think in the last week is that Anjali has been trying to engage with me more. She has started to play goofy games like blinking or making a funny sound and wanting for me to mimic her. She even prompts for me to sing "Twinkle Twinkle" to her. It is really cute and I feel that she and I have grown closer.

Anjali continues to amaze us with her acrobatics! She jumps, somesaults, tries to climb onto everything and fit into any space she can find! Her antics make us laugh quite a bit. For such a tiny person, she has a lot of strength and energy! Here are some pics of Anju's stunts!

The short story about the long wait

It took us three years from the start of our adoption journey to when we finally brought Anjali home. As much as I wanted to blog about it, I knew that it would sound like a rant. The wait was hard but now with Anju at home, I am able to look at it with the right perspective. Anjali needed us to wait for her and be patient. The weight of the wait made us stronger and showed us how little we really have in our control. Things happen when they are meant to.  I wrote Anju a poem while I was waiting for her and wanted to share it. It pretty much sums up how I felt during the 9 month wait that we had to endure before bringing our baby home.

Dearest Anjali,

As I count down the days to meet you,

I tell my anxious heart to take comfort

In the beauty that is this miracle

Leading from you to me.

Waiting for you, I have accepted myself.

Waiting for you, I have been humbled.

Waiting for you, I have been made stronger.

Waiting for you, the smallest joys don’t go unnoticed.

I ask the wind to tell you of my love

The birds to sing your praises every morning.

The rain to show you the rhythm of life

And sun to warm your spirits.

I long to hold you in arms,

To hear your joyous laughter,

To sing you to sleep.

And to cry as your tears fall.

Loving you is a divine gift.

I am the mirror to show your whole.

May we dance together

In joy, love and harmony.

The month of Anjulily!

Our sweet daughter, Anjali Sadhana Janardhan (a.k.a. my Anjulily), joined our family on January 16^th, 2015. It is one of the happiest days of our lives. Janardhan, Dhruv and I have been with our sweet little button for over a month now. Waiting for Anjali was hard but now that we are united with her, I feel sheer bliss! She wasn’t born of my womb but is born of my heart. I am very proud to say that I am her mother! 

Anjali has truly shown us what strength is and how to stay happy despite the huge changes she has experienced in the past month. In a month, Anjali has left the only home she had ever known (her orphanage in Bangalore), left all her loving caretakers and friends to journey to four new cities, met lots of new folks and finally settled in with the craziest three! Anjali has smiled right through all of it and when I hear her walking around the home cooing in her baby voice, my heart stops beating and wants the moment to last forever. For me, Anjali has gone from being a dream, a wish sent out into the universe, from a photo to a funny, mischievous, comical little doll whom I cannot live without.

The month of Anju has been full of it's ups and downs. Adoption is not easy! Transitions are hard on everyone as we need to adjust and find a new 'normal.' Anjali has experienced a life without us in it and every time she does something, I wonder whether it is out of her nature or nurture. I don't know what my daughter is thinking sometimes and I feel guilty that I am not being the mother I am supposed to be. The initial heartache that I felt when Anjali refused to come to me for the first week has been replaced with the absolute thrill of feeling the warmth and softness of Anju in my arms. It feels great to have a baby at home!When she snuggles in really close and I hug her super tight as we head upstairs for her morning nap, my heart does it's happy dance. I get my share of 'Anju' time before Dhruv comes home. Anjali and I have bonded ever since Janardhan returned to work three weeks ago. The four hours that I get alone with my baby girl is full of fun and adventure. The chaos for the day begins when Dhruv returns from school and I change into mom-the-mediator. Dhruv and Anjali have a cute relationship filled with moments that make me lose my mind and pull my hair out and moments when I see the joys of a relationship between siblings. Nothing beats the happiness of sharing life with a sister or brother. Dhruv has gone from being jealous to being protective and affectionate toward Anju (Phew! We actually get to sit for a few minutes at times!).

In the few weeks that we have been together, here is what I have learnt of our sweet ball of love:

Anjali loves;
- Her nana (daddy in Telugu).  She is a daddy's girl and if she could sit on his lap the whole day, she would. She absolutely adores her dad and she is his princess. Anjali bonded with Janardhan from the moment they met.
- Her brother Dhruv. Anjali's favorite thing to do is to steal his cars and run away! She wants Dhruv to chase her all day long. The first thing Dhruv does when he wakes up is look for his baby sister and the two of them shower each other with kisses (before fighting for the rest of the day).
- Getting kisses. She loves getting kisses and points to different parts of her face where she wants them. She also loves being tickled.
- Eating bananas (she will eat bananas all day long if she could).
- Drinking milk and eating food. I have to say that I am delighted to see that she has such a healthy attitude and appetite. She loves her desserts.
- Creating havoc. Be it toys or books, she explores them in unique ways (including throwing and tearing). Being a neat freak, this part of her personality drives me nuts!
- Playing peek-a-boo, hide-and-seek and chase.  She is the fastest tiniest almost-two year old ever!
- Playing the park. She is not afraid of anything and will climb and jump off any surface.
- Living life. She truly has a zest for life. Despite all the changes she has been through, apart from the first two days with us; she is such a happy, spunky child that she fills our hearts with joy.

Anjali doesn't have words yet but I long for the day when she can tell me what she wants, needs and thinks. She has matured so much and gone from whining to signing for things. She is learning different parts of her body and that things have names. She has gone from throwing and tearing books to reading them. She seems to thrive in the daily rhythm that we have set in place. I pray that our sweet angel understands how much we love her as we enter the second month of our lives together as a family!