In May, we took Anjali out to a huge gathering (I mentioned it in the previous post minus the details). Needless to say it did not go well at all. Anju ran into the arms of strangers and pushed us away. She let a friend, whom she had never met before, hold her and turned away from me when I tried to get her back. Anjali completely disconnected from us and could not be controlled or calmed down. On the way home, I cried a LOT. I told Janardhan that I felt like someone had yanked my heart out of my chest (Vampire Diaries style). J lovingly told me, "Sweetheart, we just don't have enough miles with Anju. We don't know what her life experiences have been, so we might not understand what goes through her mind in such situations." All I can say is that unlike me, who had become horribly emotional about the happenings that evening, J had looked at his daughter with love and compassion. That's who he is, a loving, compassionate and generous husband and father and I totally get why Anju adores him. We have walked some steps since that night, but I know that our journey with Anju has many,many, many more miles ahead (probably for the rest of our lives).
While we waited for Anju to come home, we spent a lot of our time reading the adoption books on attachment and I am so glad that we were prepared (at least theoretically) for our experiences with her. Our journey as a family is going to take time, love and patience and there is no easy way around it. I think all of us are at different stages of bonding with Anju. Anjali's attachment to Janardhan is the strongest. She loves him to death and just wants to be with him all the time. I can see her feeling the separation when he is not around. Anjali will cry if I try to put her down for a nap when he is around, she wants to snuggle only with him and sleep. We have to convince her that Janardhan has left the house for her to allow me to put her to sleep. She still prefers him feeding her. If he walks in while I am feeding her, she will grab the plate and move it to him and say 'nana' to indicate that I am dismissed. I am glad that she gets a lot of comfort from J and feels safe and happy with him. He definitely is a very nurturing parent to both Anju and Dhruv. His love and even temperament are our family's strengths.
Next in order of bonding is me. I have had to put in the hours..a lot of them. In my fantasies prior to Anju coming home, I always imagined just connecting with her instantly. Anju wanted nothing to do with me while we were in India. It was hard to not have my feelings reciprocated by her in the beginning. A few miles down the road, we are in a better place now, a much better place! It is not that Anju does not have her moments with me. Actually, our tripmeter might have just hit it's first oil change. We needed months to get to this point. Anjali loves it when I sing to her and when she is upset, it calms her down. When Anju kisses me, I know it is out of genuine affection and she often seeks out my attention to show me that she is delighted with something. It is comforting to know that I comfort her. One of the activities that I did with Anju to get her to come closer to me was to read to her and now she hops into my lap to enjoy a book. She used to allow me to pick her up to be taken for a diaper change or nap (purely for the purpose of getting somewhere). I started massaging her after her baths and talking to her during these times. She slowly allowed me to hold her longer (for a few extra seconds) and maintained eye contact. Around month two, she started coming to me for comfort when she cried (of course, only if Janardhan wasn't around) and I took the opportunity to hug her tight, kiss her and coo to her. Nowadays, she practically lives on my lap before J comes home and sometimes even when he is around! I don't know about papa (baby in Tamil and Telugu) but my tank is full of love when my arms are filled with her cuteness. After her naps, I am always right beside her when she wakes up. In the first two or three months she would just wake up and come downstairs. Now, she calls out to me to come and pick her up. Anjali also calls my name ('mama') often to show me her accomplishments (which include things that she should not be doing) and sometimes just to smile. It feels great. She still does push me away at times and pulls me closer at others, so my days are filled with moments of yo-yoing emotions and several ones where dreams and reality collide.
Anjali and Dhruv. I am so proud of them. The lovable fearless survivor and the adoring soft-natured brother. Anjali is attached to Dhruv the least among the three of us. I am not sure she understands how special their relationship is. Dhruv, on the other hand loves Anju the most. He cannot stop kissing her, sharing his toys and food with her and telling her how much he loves her. In his eyes, she is his beautiful adorable baby sister who he needs to protect at all times. He evens plays the harmonica or sings and dances for her if she is upset. It is as though Dhruv really understood every word I uttered to him while we waited for Anju. When we met her he even called her 'Anjulily' which is the name I chose as her nickname and just mentioned in passing to him months earlier. He is so excited to be of service to Anjali and she asks him for many favors (like fetching her water or toys beyond her reach, sharing all his snacks and singing songs on repeat for her). They have a cute, funny relationship. They chase each other and fight like siblings usually do. Anjali does consider him competition and doesn't always get that he is trying to help her. I pray that their relationship grows as they do. They seem to be the perfect foil for each other.
As a family unit, we are getting closer, forming memories and generating a lot of laughter. Anjali is our most precious gem and our life does revolve around her. Each of us gets our minutes (in J's case, hours) of Anju just hanging out with us and forgetting about the world. Anju has our names right (nana - dad; mama or amma - mom; anna - big brother) which is huge!! This afternoon, I was talking to a friend who heard the kids being the loud-ie rowdies that they are. She said "Wow Sai! Anjali sounds so happy." I said, "I guess I did not realize how loud we all are. When Anju first came home you could hardly hear her cry or talk. Her voice was so soft." My friend said, " Well, she obviously feels safe and secure enough at home to be herself." It feels good. The neighbors can go ahead and call the cops. It cannot be a crime that our little lioness has learnt to roar!
While we waited for Anju to come home, we spent a lot of our time reading the adoption books on attachment and I am so glad that we were prepared (at least theoretically) for our experiences with her. Our journey as a family is going to take time, love and patience and there is no easy way around it. I think all of us are at different stages of bonding with Anju. Anjali's attachment to Janardhan is the strongest. She loves him to death and just wants to be with him all the time. I can see her feeling the separation when he is not around. Anjali will cry if I try to put her down for a nap when he is around, she wants to snuggle only with him and sleep. We have to convince her that Janardhan has left the house for her to allow me to put her to sleep. She still prefers him feeding her. If he walks in while I am feeding her, she will grab the plate and move it to him and say 'nana' to indicate that I am dismissed. I am glad that she gets a lot of comfort from J and feels safe and happy with him. He definitely is a very nurturing parent to both Anju and Dhruv. His love and even temperament are our family's strengths.
Next in order of bonding is me. I have had to put in the hours..a lot of them. In my fantasies prior to Anju coming home, I always imagined just connecting with her instantly. Anju wanted nothing to do with me while we were in India. It was hard to not have my feelings reciprocated by her in the beginning. A few miles down the road, we are in a better place now, a much better place! It is not that Anju does not have her moments with me. Actually, our tripmeter might have just hit it's first oil change. We needed months to get to this point. Anjali loves it when I sing to her and when she is upset, it calms her down. When Anju kisses me, I know it is out of genuine affection and she often seeks out my attention to show me that she is delighted with something. It is comforting to know that I comfort her. One of the activities that I did with Anju to get her to come closer to me was to read to her and now she hops into my lap to enjoy a book. She used to allow me to pick her up to be taken for a diaper change or nap (purely for the purpose of getting somewhere). I started massaging her after her baths and talking to her during these times. She slowly allowed me to hold her longer (for a few extra seconds) and maintained eye contact. Around month two, she started coming to me for comfort when she cried (of course, only if Janardhan wasn't around) and I took the opportunity to hug her tight, kiss her and coo to her. Nowadays, she practically lives on my lap before J comes home and sometimes even when he is around! I don't know about papa (baby in Tamil and Telugu) but my tank is full of love when my arms are filled with her cuteness. After her naps, I am always right beside her when she wakes up. In the first two or three months she would just wake up and come downstairs. Now, she calls out to me to come and pick her up. Anjali also calls my name ('mama') often to show me her accomplishments (which include things that she should not be doing) and sometimes just to smile. It feels great. She still does push me away at times and pulls me closer at others, so my days are filled with moments of yo-yoing emotions and several ones where dreams and reality collide.
Anjali and Dhruv. I am so proud of them. The lovable fearless survivor and the adoring soft-natured brother. Anjali is attached to Dhruv the least among the three of us. I am not sure she understands how special their relationship is. Dhruv, on the other hand loves Anju the most. He cannot stop kissing her, sharing his toys and food with her and telling her how much he loves her. In his eyes, she is his beautiful adorable baby sister who he needs to protect at all times. He evens plays the harmonica or sings and dances for her if she is upset. It is as though Dhruv really understood every word I uttered to him while we waited for Anju. When we met her he even called her 'Anjulily' which is the name I chose as her nickname and just mentioned in passing to him months earlier. He is so excited to be of service to Anjali and she asks him for many favors (like fetching her water or toys beyond her reach, sharing all his snacks and singing songs on repeat for her). They have a cute, funny relationship. They chase each other and fight like siblings usually do. Anjali does consider him competition and doesn't always get that he is trying to help her. I pray that their relationship grows as they do. They seem to be the perfect foil for each other.
As a family unit, we are getting closer, forming memories and generating a lot of laughter. Anjali is our most precious gem and our life does revolve around her. Each of us gets our minutes (in J's case, hours) of Anju just hanging out with us and forgetting about the world. Anju has our names right (nana - dad; mama or amma - mom; anna - big brother) which is huge!! This afternoon, I was talking to a friend who heard the kids being the loud-ie rowdies that they are. She said "Wow Sai! Anjali sounds so happy." I said, "I guess I did not realize how loud we all are. When Anju first came home you could hardly hear her cry or talk. Her voice was so soft." My friend said, " Well, she obviously feels safe and secure enough at home to be herself." It feels good. The neighbors can go ahead and call the cops. It cannot be a crime that our little lioness has learnt to roar!
