I made progress in March. Lots of it actually. To let Anju in, I had to let go of me. I wrote down how I felt in a poem.
We came from afar,
As my womb did not bear you.
I met you with a mother’s eye
but you saw me a stranger.
My open arms ached to cradle your sweetness,
My closed mind pined for your love
Listening not to the words of wisdom
That said the promise was just mine.
Passing days have molded our family,
Wounds are healing as we let go;
You of your hurt
And me of my self.
We now exist as ‘we’ and
Not just as me and you.
One heart, in two bodies
As I have given mine to you.
Loves sweetest lullaby
Is not sung in any song,
As it is only felt by a mother.
It’s divine and perfect like you.
I have started meditating every morning now when Anju naps to stay centered. Anjali is an energetic child and incredibly precocious. I have to be in a good space to keep up with her. My biggest challenge is to let go of her when Janardhan comes home. I know this sounds incredibly silly but after spending the whole day taking care of Anju's every need and whim, to see her ignore me and only want her dad in the evenings has been tough for me to take. She will still come to me to get food or milk or to get her diaper changed but not for love. For the first time in my life, I feel jealous. Sure, it is out of love but still, it has been skewing my vision. I have spent so much time this month praying to turn this emotion into something positive and I can happily say that it did. I finally had a revelation that relationships take time. With Dhruv, him and I both had nine months to prepare and get to know each other before we met. Anju needs time to get to know me and her new world as well.
Now, onto the little ball of love. Anju has been getting louder and she lets us know when she wants attention by making some super loud sounds. She spends a lot of time playing with Dhruv and it is great that they actually play pretend now. Lots of food seems to be cooking in their kitchen and I have drunk a lot of tea over the last week. Anjali can't get enough of books these days and spends all her time getting books read to her or reading by herself. She is improving with her toys too and is interested in playing with them in a constructive way. She still tends to throw toys that she has not figured out yet. Anju continues to be unafraid and if you are not watching her, will either get into trouble (like putting Legos in her mouth) or make a 'messy' mess. She still does not have a sense of boundaries or that certain things are off limits. The last month confirmed that she is not ready for potty training as we spent hours on the potty only to get her and myself frustrated and exhausted. The pediatrician also recommended waiting for a few more months. I guess we will have to wait till Anju gets the idea of calling out to us when she needs or wants to say something. It is strange but Anjali still does not have the concept of calling us by a name to get our attention. She is making progress by either calling us 'mama' or 'nana' (interchangeably as we tend to have either name for the day) but not in a way to ask us for things. She still prefers gestures to making sounds.
Finally, I had a first with Anju this morning - our first snuggle in bed. Anjali likes my singing her to sleep for her nap but prefers laying in her crib while I do that. This morning, I was also attempting to nap while she did and she suddenly woke up and climbed onto our bed from her crib. She knew I was there so she crawled up to me and sneaked into my arms and fell back asleep. I of course could not sleep as I was celebrating the feeling of pure joy. My baby girl in my arms sleeping safe and sound..hmm...I feel so blessed that for a few minutes, my life and dreams merged into one.
I have started meditating every morning now when Anju naps to stay centered. Anjali is an energetic child and incredibly precocious. I have to be in a good space to keep up with her. My biggest challenge is to let go of her when Janardhan comes home. I know this sounds incredibly silly but after spending the whole day taking care of Anju's every need and whim, to see her ignore me and only want her dad in the evenings has been tough for me to take. She will still come to me to get food or milk or to get her diaper changed but not for love. For the first time in my life, I feel jealous. Sure, it is out of love but still, it has been skewing my vision. I have spent so much time this month praying to turn this emotion into something positive and I can happily say that it did. I finally had a revelation that relationships take time. With Dhruv, him and I both had nine months to prepare and get to know each other before we met. Anju needs time to get to know me and her new world as well.
Now, onto the little ball of love. Anju has been getting louder and she lets us know when she wants attention by making some super loud sounds. She spends a lot of time playing with Dhruv and it is great that they actually play pretend now. Lots of food seems to be cooking in their kitchen and I have drunk a lot of tea over the last week. Anjali can't get enough of books these days and spends all her time getting books read to her or reading by herself. She is improving with her toys too and is interested in playing with them in a constructive way. She still tends to throw toys that she has not figured out yet. Anju continues to be unafraid and if you are not watching her, will either get into trouble (like putting Legos in her mouth) or make a 'messy' mess. She still does not have a sense of boundaries or that certain things are off limits. The last month confirmed that she is not ready for potty training as we spent hours on the potty only to get her and myself frustrated and exhausted. The pediatrician also recommended waiting for a few more months. I guess we will have to wait till Anju gets the idea of calling out to us when she needs or wants to say something. It is strange but Anjali still does not have the concept of calling us by a name to get our attention. She is making progress by either calling us 'mama' or 'nana' (interchangeably as we tend to have either name for the day) but not in a way to ask us for things. She still prefers gestures to making sounds.
Finally, I had a first with Anju this morning - our first snuggle in bed. Anjali likes my singing her to sleep for her nap but prefers laying in her crib while I do that. This morning, I was also attempting to nap while she did and she suddenly woke up and climbed onto our bed from her crib. She knew I was there so she crawled up to me and sneaked into my arms and fell back asleep. I of course could not sleep as I was celebrating the feeling of pure joy. My baby girl in my arms sleeping safe and sound..hmm...I feel so blessed that for a few minutes, my life and dreams merged into one.
