Mother's day...

Mother's day is this coming weekend and so far I have taken each mother's day for granted. In the sense that I don't think much about days in general that are dedicated to a special occasion. I have always felt that it is not the milestone marked by an anniversary but the daily celebration of our marriage itself that matters and so are birthdays, valentines day, etc to me. I definitely care about making J's or the kiddos birthdays special but have so far in life not valued the days dedicated to me much. I used to love my birthdays but even those have lost their significance in face of life. BUT, this mother's day is special. It is special because it is dedicated to Anju and Dhruv. I have reached a point in my life where I feel complete now (like all the parts of my self are fully formed). I am defined by my children. As much as I thought parents molded children, I think it is the other way around. My kids make me who I am. It is very subtle but in teaching them values, I am forced to live by them myself. In chiding them, I are scolding myself for being less patient. In playing with them, I am allowing myself to be a child again and in loving them, I have learnt to love myself. We have been blessed with an adorable daughter born far far away from us. Were we born for her or she for us, I don't know. One thing I do know is that we love her very very much. It has only been over three months since she has been home but Anjali has had such a profound impact on us. I want to thank Anjali for allowing me to be her mother, for accepting me and my love with all it's flaws.

Most importantly this mother's day, I want to thank her birth mother. I hope that wherever she is, the universe let's her know that Anjali is safe, happy and mischievous as hell!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there! 

Three months home!

Three months home! What a change we have seen in Anjali. Anju has developed a sense of belonging with us. She seems to have accepted us as people who are always there for her and she even looks for us for comfort and love. It is adorable to see her take on responsibilities of her own and start pitching in. Be it unloading the dishwasher or putting away groceries, Anjulilypot means business!!! 'No goofing around mama, let's focus and get the job done,' she seems to say as she hands me one thing after the other expecting me to keep up.

Anju looked at us the other day and said "Mama, up." Wow! Her first sentence!! After three months of Anju preferring gestures to words hearing her speak was amazing! She has picked up a few words since like 'cat,' 'out' and 'owie.' J and I are thrilled that Anju is making attempts to speak even though she doesn't always say the words correctly. We decided to give speech therapy a shot to see if it helps Anju. Either way, she seemed to love the attention she got from the speech therapist we went to.

With each passing day, Anju is revealing more of herself and it is such a joy to see her blossom. She is gaining so much strength and is incredibly well balanced. The cutest thing she does is her jump-skip walk that is a bounce! She bounces around the home like Tigger and is up to some mischief or the other. A true busy-body has emerged. :) Anjali loves to dress up and with the warmer weather, she has been loving wearing her dresses.  She comes to each of us and points to her dress to get admiration and praise.

Anjali met her paternal grandparents last week for the first time and she adores them. My in-laws (visiting from Florida) are absolutely besotted with their granddaughter and Anjali has them wrapped around her little finger in a few short days. If we are a little strict with her she runs to them for babying time.

I have to end the post on sibling love. Anju asks Dhruv for things these days and more significantly they wipe and kiss away each other's tears.
Here are some pics from April.

Letting go to let her in..

I made progress in March. Lots of it actually. To let Anju in, I had to let go of me. I wrote down how I felt in a poem.

We came from afar,

As my womb did not bear you.

I met you with a mother’s eye

but you saw me a stranger.

My open arms ached to cradle your sweetness,

My closed mind pined for your love

Listening not to the words of wisdom

That said the promise was just mine.

Passing days have molded our family,

Wounds are healing as we let go;

You of your hurt

And me of my self. 

We now exist as ‘we’ and

Not just as me and you.

One heart, in two bodies

As I have given mine to you.

Loves sweetest lullaby

Is not sung in any song,

As it is only felt by a mother.

It’s divine and perfect like you. 


I have started meditating every morning now when Anju naps to stay centered. Anjali is an energetic child and incredibly precocious. I have to be in a good space to keep up with her. My biggest challenge is to let go of her when Janardhan comes home. I know this sounds incredibly silly but after spending the whole day taking care of Anju's every need and whim, to see her ignore me and only want her dad in the evenings has been tough for me to take. She will still come to me to get food or milk or to get her diaper changed but not for love. For the first time in my life, I feel jealous. Sure, it is out of love but still, it has been skewing my vision. I have spent so much time this month praying to turn this emotion into something positive and I can happily say that it did. I finally had a revelation that relationships take time. With Dhruv, him and I both had nine months to prepare and get to know each other before we met. Anju needs time to get to know me and her new world as well.

Now, onto the little ball of love. Anju has been getting louder and she lets us know when she wants attention by making some super loud sounds. She spends a lot of time playing with Dhruv and it is great that they actually play pretend now. Lots of food seems to be cooking in their kitchen and I have drunk a lot of tea over the last week. Anjali can't get enough of books these days and spends all her time getting books read to her or reading by herself. She is improving with her toys too and is interested in playing with them in a constructive way. She still tends to throw toys that she has not figured out yet. Anju continues to be unafraid and if you are not watching her, will either get into trouble (like putting Legos in her mouth) or make a 'messy' mess. She still does not have a sense of boundaries or that certain things are off limits. The last month confirmed that she is not ready for potty training as we spent hours on the potty only to get her and myself frustrated and exhausted. The pediatrician also recommended waiting for a few more months. I guess we will have to wait till Anju gets the idea of calling out to us when she needs or wants to say something. It is strange but Anjali still does not have the concept of calling us by a name to get our attention. She is making progress by either calling us 'mama' or 'nana' (interchangeably as we tend to have either name for the day) but not in a way to ask us for things. She still prefers gestures to making sounds.

Finally, I had a first with Anju  this morning - our first snuggle in bed. Anjali likes my singing her to sleep for her nap but prefers laying in her crib while I do that. This morning, I was also attempting to nap while she did and she suddenly woke up and climbed onto our bed from her crib. She knew I was there so she crawled up to me and sneaked into my arms and fell back asleep. I of course could not sleep as I was celebrating the feeling of pure joy. My baby girl in my arms sleeping safe and sound..hmm...I feel so blessed that for a few minutes, my life and dreams merged into one.

Happy 2nd birthday Anjali!!

Anju turned two on March 6th. We had decided to spend a quiet day at home. I had not even planned on ordering her a princess cake or figuring out what she would wear. I happened to be at the store when I saw the cutest dress ever and Anju's eyes just lit up when she saw it. So, we bought her a spring-y, girly dress and I happened to find a cake to match!! Anju looked radiant on her birthday. Even the usual gloomy Oregon skies parted to let the sun shine brightly. Anju got quite a few presents for her birthday including a kitchen from us!

That birthday weekend was sunny and we took Anju to the park where we met up with some friends. She watched us play cricket and enjoyed the food. Nothing like picnicking Indian style with your close friends. It was lovely to meet our friends and their kids. I really appreciate how much they supported us during our adoption journey and what amazing people they are. After cocooning Anju for close to two months, I think she is slowly grasping her new world without getting overwhelmed. Anjali has shown great body language when we have been out at social events with her. On our side too, it is nice to break out of the routine and talk to humans who are around the same age as us!! :)

Anjali has had a busy but good March so far. Anjulily's medical tests have all come back normal which is great. She seems to be gaining weight and growing well despite the fact that she does not figure in the growth percentile charts yet. She is a tiny dynamite. We had our three month social worker visit and I realized when comparing notes with the first visit in early February, that Anjali has come so far. She is so much more relaxed these days and less anxious. I think Anju gets Dhruv's affection for her and she allows him to kiss her a lot. It is funny since Dhruv claims he only loves his baby sister and can't seem to resist her. If you meet Dhruv you will know that he loves his space and is not the hugging and kissing kind. But looks like with his baby sister (or 'papa' as he calls her), there are no such rules. Dhruv seems to have matured so much as well in the last month. He is taking on more responsibility for his eating and entertainment. Anju and Dhruv seem to fighting less over toys too. I think our poor baby was getting too overstimulated with the abundance of (noisy) toys and kept toppling bins and throwing toys. I finally (with Dhruv's input) put away most of the non-baby toys in bins in the kids closet and now our living space mostly has Anju-friendly stuff. She has totally bought into the idea that certain toys go in certain bins so that you can find them easily. We are starting to meet halfway on so many more things now. It feels comforting to walk towards each other as a family; like pieces falling into place in a puzzle.

Dhruv did the cutest thing yesterday when he drew Anjali's orphanage and said that he did not want her to cry anymore. He also said that he wanted to draw one for each child in the orphanage so that they won't cry as well. I think my heart almost burst with pride and love for sweet Dhruv and Anjali. It is easy to forget where she came from and though she doesn't show us her sadness, we know there is loss from her past. My heart goes out to the many Anjalis out there who still need a family and a home. My biggest wish is that every orphan finds love and joy that they deserve.

To end my post on a happier note, here are some pictures from Anjali's birthday weekend.

Progress and some more...

I took Anju for a speech therapy evaluation this morning. The therapists did not think there was any cause for concern at this time as she was pretty on par in other areas of development. They thought that her speech was behind due to the changes in her environment and also possibly due to the lack of stimulation in the past. One of the big challenges in adoption is that we really don't have information about our child's past. It makes it more complicated to figure out if an issue is due to adoption or because of other health problems. I have to say, I was really relieved to hear that Anjali might not need speech therapy after all. She just said 'eye' this morning and pointed to her eyes so she is making progress.

Progress is what we have seen so much of in the last few weeks.  Anjali has really blossomed in the six weeks that she has been with us. During the first few days, Anju would not let us take her shoes or clothes off. As unusual as this sounds, she could not handle it at all. She used to cry so hard if we took them off even for a diaper change. Now, she can hardly wait to get her clothes off and run for a bath. She did not want me to pick her up and would only be happy interacting with me from a distance. This morning, at the therapist's office, she cried for me when the therapist picked her up and also looked me for approval before doing anything. For the first time, she showed me how much she trusted me. It felt so good!! Anjali used to scratch me if she ever saw my bare skin. Now, instead she looks at my skin and thinks for a second before stroking it gently. I think her wounds are healing. Somewhere, the anger or trauma is slowly being replaced with love. I didn't think she could be any happier but she is!

One big change I think in the last week is that Anjali has been trying to engage with me more. She has started to play goofy games like blinking or making a funny sound and wanting for me to mimic her. She even prompts for me to sing "Twinkle Twinkle" to her. It is really cute and I feel that she and I have grown closer.

Anjali continues to amaze us with her acrobatics! She jumps, somesaults, tries to climb onto everything and fit into any space she can find! Her antics make us laugh quite a bit. For such a tiny person, she has a lot of strength and energy! Here are some pics of Anju's stunts!

The short story about the long wait

It took us three years from the start of our adoption journey to when we finally brought Anjali home. As much as I wanted to blog about it, I knew that it would sound like a rant. The wait was hard but now with Anju at home, I am able to look at it with the right perspective. Anjali needed us to wait for her and be patient. The weight of the wait made us stronger and showed us how little we really have in our control. Things happen when they are meant to.  I wrote Anju a poem while I was waiting for her and wanted to share it. It pretty much sums up how I felt during the 9 month wait that we had to endure before bringing our baby home.

Dearest Anjali,

As I count down the days to meet you,

I tell my anxious heart to take comfort

In the beauty that is this miracle

Leading from you to me.

Waiting for you, I have accepted myself.

Waiting for you, I have been humbled.

Waiting for you, I have been made stronger.

Waiting for you, the smallest joys don’t go unnoticed.

I ask the wind to tell you of my love

The birds to sing your praises every morning.

The rain to show you the rhythm of life

And sun to warm your spirits.

I long to hold you in arms,

To hear your joyous laughter,

To sing you to sleep.

And to cry as your tears fall.

Loving you is a divine gift.

I am the mirror to show your whole.

May we dance together

In joy, love and harmony.

The month of Anjulily!

Our sweet daughter, Anjali Sadhana Janardhan (a.k.a. my Anjulily), joined our family on January 16^th, 2015. It is one of the happiest days of our lives. Janardhan, Dhruv and I have been with our sweet little button for over a month now. Waiting for Anjali was hard but now that we are united with her, I feel sheer bliss! She wasn’t born of my womb but is born of my heart. I am very proud to say that I am her mother! 

Anjali has truly shown us what strength is and how to stay happy despite the huge changes she has experienced in the past month. In a month, Anjali has left the only home she had ever known (her orphanage in Bangalore), left all her loving caretakers and friends to journey to four new cities, met lots of new folks and finally settled in with the craziest three! Anjali has smiled right through all of it and when I hear her walking around the home cooing in her baby voice, my heart stops beating and wants the moment to last forever. For me, Anjali has gone from being a dream, a wish sent out into the universe, from a photo to a funny, mischievous, comical little doll whom I cannot live without.

The month of Anju has been full of it's ups and downs. Adoption is not easy! Transitions are hard on everyone as we need to adjust and find a new 'normal.' Anjali has experienced a life without us in it and every time she does something, I wonder whether it is out of her nature or nurture. I don't know what my daughter is thinking sometimes and I feel guilty that I am not being the mother I am supposed to be. The initial heartache that I felt when Anjali refused to come to me for the first week has been replaced with the absolute thrill of feeling the warmth and softness of Anju in my arms. It feels great to have a baby at home!When she snuggles in really close and I hug her super tight as we head upstairs for her morning nap, my heart does it's happy dance. I get my share of 'Anju' time before Dhruv comes home. Anjali and I have bonded ever since Janardhan returned to work three weeks ago. The four hours that I get alone with my baby girl is full of fun and adventure. The chaos for the day begins when Dhruv returns from school and I change into mom-the-mediator. Dhruv and Anjali have a cute relationship filled with moments that make me lose my mind and pull my hair out and moments when I see the joys of a relationship between siblings. Nothing beats the happiness of sharing life with a sister or brother. Dhruv has gone from being jealous to being protective and affectionate toward Anju (Phew! We actually get to sit for a few minutes at times!).

In the few weeks that we have been together, here is what I have learnt of our sweet ball of love:

Anjali loves;
- Her nana (daddy in Telugu).  She is a daddy's girl and if she could sit on his lap the whole day, she would. She absolutely adores her dad and she is his princess. Anjali bonded with Janardhan from the moment they met.
- Her brother Dhruv. Anjali's favorite thing to do is to steal his cars and run away! She wants Dhruv to chase her all day long. The first thing Dhruv does when he wakes up is look for his baby sister and the two of them shower each other with kisses (before fighting for the rest of the day).
- Getting kisses. She loves getting kisses and points to different parts of her face where she wants them. She also loves being tickled.
- Eating bananas (she will eat bananas all day long if she could).
- Drinking milk and eating food. I have to say that I am delighted to see that she has such a healthy attitude and appetite. She loves her desserts.
- Creating havoc. Be it toys or books, she explores them in unique ways (including throwing and tearing). Being a neat freak, this part of her personality drives me nuts!
- Playing peek-a-boo, hide-and-seek and chase.  She is the fastest tiniest almost-two year old ever!
- Playing the park. She is not afraid of anything and will climb and jump off any surface.
- Living life. She truly has a zest for life. Despite all the changes she has been through, apart from the first two days with us; she is such a happy, spunky child that she fills our hearts with joy.

Anjali doesn't have words yet but I long for the day when she can tell me what she wants, needs and thinks. She has matured so much and gone from whining to signing for things. She is learning different parts of her body and that things have names. She has gone from throwing and tearing books to reading them. She seems to thrive in the daily rhythm that we have set in place. I pray that our sweet angel understands how much we love her as we enter the second month of our lives together as a family!